Remote Relationships

There are thousands of people on social media claiming to be in complicated relationships with people who are not aware even of their existence such as celebrities. It’s not a surprise for me since I’m one of those people not with celebrities though. I’ve always been this way – a dreamer having lots of stories on my head. It gets especially confusing when I fall for someone of my own gender. I’m not heterosexual since I have stronger sensitivity for the opposite sex, but I do like women as well. And when the main character of the current period is female, I imagine myself as a good looking successful man being able to satisfy all her needs. But I’m arrested in my body throughout my life and it’s just an unattainable wish which is probably why it’s burning so brightly. When there is no path to achieve something it becomes more and more attractive every second I continue to think of it.

I start creating stories on my head featuring me and her or him in case the hero is male. The stories include anything ranging from first-time acquaintances to explicit sexual positions. I imagine myself as a dominating male at the same time a caring partner, all that I’ve always wanted to be. That good-looking bold man is living in a body of a short girl being afraid of being exposed in front of the public though. It’s strange fear to know that someone becoming a hero of your current stories might some day know that you’ve been thinking of him/her all day long.

I’ve never been concerned about this trait, but recently I’ve realized that the main reason why I suck at almost everything is my daydreaming character itself. I don’t want to accept the reality, instead create something on my head that doesn’t exist or has no probability of becoming real. Relationships comprise a significant role of our lives. You can be a part of C-suite with multi-million dollar annual compensation leading a global company but if you’re still in need for love, significant part of your heart will be empty. In fact it’s extremely hard for a daydreamer to become successful at work since he has a very short attention span. After a few seconds all the lectures given to him at the workplace are gone, forgotten forever. It’s out of his control to pay attention to details because he’s not here mentally.

Despite all the pain and failures coming with daydreaming, having something to dream about is a real comfort when I’m having a bad day. I feel like a kid being promised a piece of chocolate every day after school or during breaks. This is probably why I’m unable to change my character despite all the efforts I’ve made so far. It’s all I’ve got. My dreams, ambitions, happiness and emotions they are all connected to the person I’m thinking of until he/she is replaced by someone else.

I see no boundaries in dreaming. I might put myself in shoes of a prostitute finding love after trying thousands of men at bed with no feelings, faithful wife ready to sacrifice all she’s got for her husband or a young male adult having all one can ask for. I create scenarios on my head and change from role to role frequently with some chance of coming back to the previous scenario at some day in the future. I have no clue why I’m doing what I’m doing, but I feel miserable when there is no story for today.

All of the heroes of stories have been physically attractive but selfish people with no respect for others. But it hasn’t prevented them to continue having them in my dreams since external appearance has always one number one trait for me to compare people. It’s not a coincidence because we all dream of something that we don’t have.

I wonder how long will I continue dreaming? It’s not becoming painful and annoying for my everyday life but it seems like I can’t find any other way to feel happy. I’m getting swallowed by my dreams every day. “You have to accept yourself the way you are and try to be happy with what you’ve got said one of my friends. He’s probably right, but it’s getting harder and harder since my real identity is hidden under my dreams like daytime fog blinding me.