From Summer to Fall

I’M FALLING.

No one notices — they rarely ever do — but I’m falling, and I’m doing it for real now. I’m actually falling. I feel my balance toggle as I’m going down. I’m trying to keep my arms outstretched and my eyes closed, but it is a bit of a struggle. You have to keep your eyes closed though. You have to.

As I fall, I start to think. There are a lot of things to think about, and I’ve never really had the time to actually sort things out like this. But that’s alright. At least I’ve got the time now.

I start off nice and steady. I think about Mom and the family. I think about how Mom and Dad are always talking about grades and the future and how right about now, I’m probably letting them all down. But that’s alright. When you’re falling, nothing like that really matters. It might affect me deep down somewhere, but right now, I don’t know.

At least now, Mom and Dad won’t feel so bad about it. I hope. I mean, college probably costs a fortune, so maybe now they’ll have a little more money in their pocket to keep. Or something. I don’t know.

Those thoughts scare me, so I drift off into a more familiar territory. The wind is picking up, so I guess it’s time for a new line of thought, anyway. School. School’s a nicer place to start. There are a lot of teachers out there that are probably disappointed that I’m falling so soon. Or maybe not. Maybe they’re happy. I don’t know; I never will know. I can never tell if teachers are being fake or if they really do care. It’s kind of hard not to be fake when you know you’re getting paid to act that way. I don’t know.

There’s a boy in school that I kind of like. I’m not too sure about it though. He’s alright, but I bet there are a lot of girls who already want him. And I bet he’s got another girl on his mind, too. But I’ll think about him anyway because I don’t want to think about my parents or family or teachers. In the end, I guess I’m always just thinking about him. I’m just weak that way.

He’s got these really nice cheekbones. I don’t know too much about cheekbones, but I know that his are really nice. I like his smile too. He does this really casual half-smile type of thing, and even if it’s fleeting, I know it’s sincere. Wait. I take that back. I don’t know if it’s sincere or not, but I hope it is. He smiles whenever he sees me, but it’s just him being polite. I’ve seen him smile wider around other girls, and that’s the smile I want to be greeted with. He’s really funny around other girls, too. We’re not close enough for him to joke with me, but I think he’s cracked one or two decent ones and I’m happy with just that. He makes me feel special, but I know that the other girls are more special to him. I want to be like them, but I don’t want to raise my hopes too much. Polite or not, I’m just happy that he smiles at me at all. It’s a really sweet smile; I promise it’s sweet. When he smiles, his eyes light up and everything changes. I don’t know how to describe it, but boys whose eyes light up when they smile really do make my heart melt. Anyone with that type of smile deserves to stay smiling. Those types of smiles are my favorite.

Speaking of smiles, I wonder what type of smile I have. I’ve never really been one for pictures, and I have my reasons. I don’t know how to smile. I want to share a real, genuine smile with the world, but I can never do it right. I’m an alright actress when it comes to most things, but smiling just isn’t my forte. I’m better at the part where I act like things don’t hurt when they really do. That’s my real role. It’s kind of sad, but it’s alright. Maybe. Or maybe not. I just don’t know. All I know is that when I smile, my eyes don’t light up like his.

Anyway, I’m getting tired of this falling business. I’m not even that into this falling thing. I’m not that great at it either; I’m just very wistful about these things. So I open my eyes, dust myself off, and stand up. I think I’ve had enough falling for today. I need to wipe away these tears and toughen myself up again. It’s back to reality from here on out.

Keep your head up.

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