The Lead We All Must Bed

I am proud to be an American. I mean, sure, I may not have been born here, but since becoming a US citizen back in 2007, I’ve held dear to my heart fast food restaurants, heavy traffic on the expressways and the excessive violence that fills our every living moment here in the good old USA.

One thing that makes our existence so very unique in comparison with the rest of the world is our need for and dependency on firearms of all kinds, as our Constitution so greatly ensures. As members of the greatest nation in the world (well, we still have many problems left to resolve, and I haven’t been abroad in more than 20 years, but I’m positive the US is still the greatest country on the planet, because we’re told this on everyday basis by our President and our Senators and Congressmen, and a more honest group of men have never seen the light of day under God’s watchful eye, therefore it must be so), we are entitled to guns, and rightfully so.

For starters, we need guns to protect ourselves from other people, to overcompensate for our lack of size in the genitalia department, to satisfy our ever necessary thirst for blood, to keep us from touching ourselves inappropriately by choosing to hold the guns instead of our genitals, and to simply kill those people we don’t like, regardless of what that reason might be. America was founded under such principles, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone tell me otherwise.

Guns are an absolute necessity for our society, mostly so we can protect ourselves from thieves, rapists, murderers, our exes, our current spouses, the government, the IRS, the homosexuals, illegal immigrants, Donald Trump, Bigfoot, Area 51 detainees, Osama Bin Laden’s friends and relatives, Ray Rice, and numerous other ghouls and monsters that might be lurking in the shadows of dark alleys of the night. I mean, sure, you could face any of the above mentioned terrors on your own, holding nothing but your pecker as a weapon, but you’re more likely to feel powerful and self-assured with an AK-47 in your hands than your flaccid penis.

One very important reason why we need guns is to overcompensate for the feelings of inadequacies when it comes to the size of our genitals, for having horrible jobs that we hate, and for having, for the most part, spoiled and ungrateful children. But the most important reason is the former: when we get freaky, and when genitals alone simply aren’t enough to satisfy us, that’s when we may want to have a bang with our bang-bang. And anyone who’s ever fired a gun is well aware that firing a full barrel of 44 Magnum bullets is a whole lot more satisfying than blowing one’s own load of joy juice over a woman’s pair of jugs, no matter how much one may glaze her face in the process. Those who have done both know the difference, and it is to them that this article will hit most closely to home.

As Americans, we are addicted to violence and bloodshed, and nothing helps us in having our daily fix of blood as our guns. Vampires may have drank blood, but we require guns and bullets and gunshots and shot gun blasts to keep our thirst quenched. I’m well aware that random acts of violence that occur throughout this country every year or two are way too commonplace for the rest of the world to fathom, but to us such acts of homeland terror are as American as apple pie, baseball or peanut butter. Take a gun away from a hardworking American who’s earned the right to carry it and fire it whenever and at whomever he or she pleases, and you’ve just asked them to hold their breath forever. Any government or official of the state who would dare do such a thing by shitting all over the Second Amendment of the US Constitution is no real American, and should be shot on the spot. In the head. At point blank range. Period.

In addition to the aforementioned reasons, we also require guns in order to keep us celibate, and to push away all the impure thoughts from our heads. No person with a .44 magnum in their hand will ever fantasize about genitals of another. Such filthy lustful thoughts would be unGodly, and would go against everything that the ever-righteous and constantly correct Right Wing preaches about on a daily basis. I mean, why fuck someone out of wedlock, or even fantasize about your neighbor’s sexy wife or handsomely athletic husband, when you could just shoot your neighbor on that principle alone, and then have their spouse all to yourself? Or maybe just walk into a local school, hospital, church, campus, library or any other public place, and simply open fire on everyone, and vent your sexual frustration that way. In the eyes of God, that would by far be the lesser sin than having sex with any of those students, patients, churchgoers, or regular civilians. Always remember this about everyone you meet: “They’re better off dead, than fucked in bed!”

And last but not least, we need guns to occasionally shoot those we simply don’t like, regardless of the reason. Many people we encounter on a daily basis are worthless piles of shit who have no business breathing the same air that we do, and guns ensure us the quickest and easiest way of removing them from our personal space. Certainly we’ve all been there: that Meter Maid who wouldn’t give you another 10 seconds to drive away and who wrote you the $50 parking ticket anyway; or the rude clerk at the Post Office, who made you re-tape the package you had already taped several times, just to charge you their own Scotch tape fee; or especially the secretary at the Doctor’s office, who makes you fill out worthless and meaningless forms only to make you wait another 45 minutes to an hour after your original appointment time.

All of those people deserve to die, and to spare yourself the messiness of choking them in public, or beating them to death with a wooden cooking spoon in the local forest preserve, the easiest and most convenient way to get rid of them would be to shoot them in the head. Because, as we’re all well aware by now, it won’t be you who takes the heat, or your precious gun. No, we will find another scapegoat to blame the murders on, ensuring that the line of public gun violence and terrorism will continue well into next week, next month, next year, and so on, or until our barrels and cartridges need to be refilled, so we can discharge them at someone else, for whatever reason. And I can’t think of anything more American than that.