Tartay Longingon

Violent sobs left me, my lip quivering and my eyes burning. I stared at what was in front of me as the waterfall of tears dripped off my chin. Soft whimpering left my mouth, the stench tickling my nose. I regretted every decision I made that day. Why couldn’t I have stayed in bed? Instead, I was crying while chopping these onions. Why did this dish call for so many onions? Well.. I am making onion pie after all. What? You haven’t heard of it? It’s some weird French thing I attempted to make one time for my brother during Christmas and now he goes crazy for it. The damn boy calls me about once a week, asking me the same thing… “Will you please make Tarte a L’oignon?” That was the French way of saying it. Except, when my brother says it, it sounds more like “Tartay Longingon.” What the hell is “Tartay Longingon?!” I am a fellow New Yorker and I work with my friend Alex in her local food truck called “Culture.” We sell Asian food like sushi and teriyaki chicken. Don’t underestimate the power of the sauce in our teriyaki. It’s good enough to drink out of a flask in replace of tequila.

For the dish I am preparing, you need onions, bacon, heavy cream and eggs. Obviously there is pie crust.. I told you it was a pie, right? I don’t mean to brag but I make the best pie crust. Ina Garten would most definitely be jealous if she had a taste of the flaky but crunchy, stunningly decorated crust. I put store bought pies to shame!! For the bacon. I have a fun little trick. You have to make sure you save the bacon fat. Bacon fat tastes good on anything. put it on your salad and suddenly you’re licking the plate off. I mean, I’m putting it in a pie for gods sake! Everything in this dish relies on that good old bacon fat. It’s where I cook those stupid onions. Once those onions are as golden brown as a Floridian woman at the beach during 12 AM, you know they are ready to go. Have you seen some of the women in Florida? They are darker than burnt bread! I personally don’t like Florida. It consists of Palm trees and old people. Unless you’re in Miami.. Then you’re dealing with police on horses. I am not even messing with you, they have police officers that are on horses! What do those guys do when they see a bad guy? Trot their way over? What if the criminal does not know how to ride a horse? Same goes for those officers on bikes. Officers, Here’s a tip: STAY IN YOUR POLICE CARS.

After I beat my eggs so they are frothy, I put the oven at 400 degrees F. One thing I don’t understand is the metric system. Why are there two? Who thought it would be a good idea to make two of the same thing to confuse the world? Sometimes I find inventions ridiculous. Good invention: The key board. Stupid invention: The “Potty Putter.” Now I have to mix my lovely bacon-fat cooked onions in the eggs so it is one, lovely, homogeneous mixture. Yeah, I got that word from watching an episode of Barefoot Contessa. On that episode she did not make her own pie crust. Wanna know why? Because mine is better. If there ever is a contest for the most impatient person, I will definitely win. I have to cook the pie for 20 minutes but for me that means 20 years. Okay, that was a bit of an over-exaggeration. It’s just a really long time. I don’t like leaving the kitchen while something is cooking because I have an intense fear that something is going to go wrong. I hate burning food. Once, when I was twelve and I was watching a show on how to make Salmon. Me, being the idiot that I am, decided to surprise my mom by making a lovely salmon and slaw. I think that once I took the Salmon was out of the oven, I burnt myself in the process, It looked more like a rat then a fish. On the other hand, the slaw tastes surprisingly lovely. During my twenty minute waiting period, I usually cook something else but this was for my brother and all he requested was for a slice of “Tartay Longingon.” So, I decided to sit on my counter and eat my favorite ice cream. Coffee flavored. My god, I love coffee more then I’ve loved any boy. Coffee gave me the same thing a boy did and was less talkative and doesn’t fart or burp. On a normal day, I drink four to five cups of coffee. I have four different coffee machines and know every way to make coffee. Did you know there are seven different types of coffee beans and over 38 different drink styles? Of course, I’ve tried them all. I’ve been drinking coffee since I was nine and what I’ve learned is that to make a perfect cup, it involves the actual brewing of the coffee. While I eat my ice cream, I suddenly hear a ding. I use protective gloves and pull the delicious pie out of the oven and let it cool.

The pie was around for a good three minutes. Once my brother got there, I blinked and it was gone. He was sitting at the table with an empty pie shell and a bloated belly, a smirk of satisfaction on his face. I like cooking, It brings people together and I love the compliments I get for my cuisine. I am always the one to cook for every holiday and I proudly take the opportunity. Of course, there is no holiday without “Tartay Longingon!”